god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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