I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
