Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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