What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
