i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
