Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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