why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
