we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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