New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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