I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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