Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
