I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
