So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
honey bunches of taint.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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