someone threw a dead crab at me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
