I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
