Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
