I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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