I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
