if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
