I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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