He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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