I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
