i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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