hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
