I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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