my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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