then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just had sex on a roof
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
