just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
