I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
