it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
