she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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