Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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