it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
