i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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