I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
