This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
