hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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