Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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