He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
PANTIES FOUND
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
