im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
