Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
