i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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