3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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