I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
