I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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