there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
