My hand turned me down
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
