I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
His nipple licking is glorious
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