I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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