you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
