How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
